When the term domestic abuse is used, everybody naturally assumes it is the man coming home drunk and beating his wife.  Not so. Behind the doors of the gay community, it is going on in astonishing numbers. Anything up to 40% of relationships can qualify for abusive status.

Domestic abuse doesn’t have to mean physical violence, although it often does, it can take the forms of mental abuse or rape as well. This is the problem, people do not see this insidious method of control as abuse. In fact the victims often think it is their fault, which is what the perpetrators will rely on to dominate and control.

Lesbian relationships are more prone to this than gay ones as more of us live together, which means there is more opportunity for it to happen. Even rape may not be seen as that. It can take the form of emotional blackmail, threats to be outed at work or to the family or any other type of  dominating behaviour. It could even be trying to stop you going out in the lesbian community or having friends of your own.

One of the problems is that the victim often feels alone and confused. How can this women I love so much hurt me like this? I must be doing something wrong

Don’t assume it is always the butch one in the relationship that is the abuser, nor the taller one. Abusers come in all types and sizes. Don’t think that because your lesbian you cannot get help. All the agencies that deal with the hettie abused wives are there for you too plus several gay specific ones.

Where there is actual physical abuse you should be able to contact the police but it must be said that unless the particular police force in your particular area is up to speed on this issue, the response maybe patchy.

If you are in an abusive relationship, contact one of the help agencies who will be able to talk to about your problems. Then you need to plan an escape strategy, where to go, who you can trust and what to pack in an emergency. For more information see the Broken Rainbow.org website which is not quite fully functional yet has some good information on what to do about getting out of an abusive relationship.

Some other useful sites are

www.womensaid.org.uk
www.refuge.org.uk

Scotland
www.scottishwomensaid.co.uk

Northern Ireland
Call 0800 9171414
www.niwaf.org

The Welsh have one organisation that covers both men and women.
Call 0808 80108000
www.wdah.org

If you are able to discuss these problems with your partner and think there may be a solution then it may be worth trying Relate or get your partner to contact Respect on 0845 122860 or go to www.respect.uk.net

For gay guys there is the Men’s Advice Line
0808 8010327
www.mensadviceline.org.uk

Men’s Advice Line
A help line for men experiencing domestic violence.
Tel:  0808 801 0327
Website:  www.mensadviceline.org.uk

www.mankind.org.uk

If you have to leave your flat and have nowhere to go, you can contact your local council or there is Shelter
0808 8004444
www.shelter.org.uk

Stonewall also has a housing advisory service which may be your first choice.
0207 3595765
www.stonewallhousing.org

One final site could be www.victimsupport.org

Posted on June 26